Feelings of Postpartum Depression - Part 1

Last year around Christmas time I started having a hard time in day to day life. I had not yet started seeing a therapist so writing was what helped me sort through some of my feelings. Below is what I wrote (unedited) and I share my postpartum journey to help others not feel so alone in their own journeys...

December 30, 2018
“Oh yeah, I know your life turns upside down after you have a baby. Especially with the sleep deprivation.” 

Okay, listen lady. I appreciate that you think you are helping but you aren’t. First of all, this isn’t my first rodeo. I know how much your life can change with kids because I have five of them. Second of all, why are you assuming that I’m not sleeping? You don’t know my baby. You don’t know our routine. And as much as you want to help, you making these comments makes me feel ridiculous for calling asking to talk to a doctor about postpartum depression. 

I don’t have all of the usual signs that come with postpartum depression. This is not my first baby. The first month after baby G was born I was totally fine. I’m not sleep deprived. My life is a lot busier now than it had been prior but I’m mostly used to chaos. I don’t have any problems with my spouse (he came home from work three hours early because he could sense that I was too overwhelmed). I have not lost my appetite (I think my appetite increased for only foods that are super terrible for me – I’m looking at you Culver’s cheese curds). 

All I know is something is wrong. I have anxiety. And not my normal anxiety that comes from setting my own expectations way too high for myself. But anxiety that causes me to need to take deep breaths in while saying, “I trust you God” followed by exhaling and saying, “and I give you my worries” multiple times in a few minutes. 

I am also angry. A lot. Like about stupid stuff. Kids needing help with shoes, or not going to the bathroom after I ask, or crying because I thought they wanted cinnamon toast crunch but they wanted cheerios and they didn’t tell me until after I poured their cereal, or waiting until we are supposed to leave in 30 seconds before starting to make their lunch. These are frustrating for sure but me yelling is not helping anyone. I’m also angry with my kids’ teachers (which is dumb because I’m a teacher, too) and with the woman I spoke to on the phone from my doctor’s office. 

I’ve gone through an “angry phase” before. When I was in high school. I don’t remember much about it but I do remember going to a therapist one time and then never going back because it made me too angry…yeah, as an adult I now realize that I should have tried to maybe stick that out a bit longer.

So now here I am finally feeling like I need some intervention. Apparently you don’t have to meet with a doctor before getting a prescription to treat this which seems super weird. I want to meet with someone but is it better to meet with someone I know or a complete stranger? What do I say? Just tell them how I feel? I feel angry. And tired. And sad. The end. What else is there? I’m terrified that the same thing will happen as when I was in high school. If I am going to try to find someone to watch my kids or have my husband use his PTO for this appointment, I want it to be worth it. 

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...Part 2 coming soon.
If you have similar feelings of being overwhelmed, tired, anxious, angry or are having troubling thoughts, contact your doctor and know there are treatment plans out there to help you through this.

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