I'm tapped out

I love my kids. With the fiercest love of a mother who has dreamt of having a big, loud, loved filled home with kids that have built in friends. 

And while I love these kids more than anything, yesterday and, to be honest, quite a few days over the summer, I reached a point where I was tapped out for the day. Tired of "mom watch, mom watch, mom watch" where "mom watch" = mom, watch me take one step to the right, or walk in a straight line. Tired of their imaginations that I am truly grateful they have but that spins endless stories that make so little sense. Tired of playing "restaurant" during lunch time where I am always the "cook-er" and waitress, or school where I am always the teacher to have to listen to everyone's projects. 

And when I am tired of all of these things, I feel a mountain sized amount of mom guilt. I really want them to be proud of new skills they learn - even walking in a straight line - and want me to see. I want them to have a huge imagination that can spin stories with developed plot and creative characters. I want them to want to include me in so much of their lives, even if I am "the cook-er".  So how come watching them do these things can be so infuriating? 

It could be a number of things. I'm still stressed from quitting my job and dealing with all of those feelings to taking on others, even my kids', is a lot. I'm worried we are wasting our summer with so few plans that I'm desperately trying to think of something to do with the kids when they are showing me these things. Maybe they are just so much like me that having so much "me" in the room is exhausting. Or, honestly, I might just be hungry.

It would be great if the thing I learned was, don't feel mom guilt. But that is something I am still working on. Instead, the thing I did learn was that while I felt guilty about feeling this way, sometimes a few extra snuggles help remind you why you go through the hard times. ​Snuggles can be therapeutic and a great way to get perspective. A chance to realize all of the likely reasons for feeling tapped (too much on my mind, hungry, not feeling like I am doing enough) instead of the wrong reasons (I am a bad mom). So, take a minute. By yourself or with your baby girl in your arms, and breathe in the truth.